Hope Lost
by DifferentShirley
Summary: Merlin has had enough. Unappreciated, ignored, and now left for dead in the middle of the Darkling Woods, he's lost every ounce of hope he had. Feeling like he has nothing left to lose, Emrys has come out to play. All of Camelot will crumble under his rage. Is it too late for Merlin to be saved?
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: This is set after the Disir event in Season 5._

**Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin.**

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Prologue

_Is this Destiny? Is this my Fate?_ Merlin closed his eyes, the pounding pain in his back making his eyesight blur and forcing the blood to pound in his head. Bumping his head against the tree he had propped himself up against, unshed tears burned his eyes. _Is this it? Will I be left to die out here, alone and in the dark? _His thoughts raced in his mind, back to the moment the bandits came rushing in around them. They were only a small group; Merlin, Arthur, and two other non-descript Camelot knights. Arthur, like his usual prat self, had forced Merlin out on one of the torturous hunts that the King was oh-so fond of. Fate does seem to have a sick sense of humor, huh? The memories burned in the back of his mind forced themselves to the surface. He's your destiny, Merlin. You're two sides of the same coin. The Once and Future King, the might to your magic. _And yet he turned his back on you without a backwards glance. _Merlin snorted to himself, ignoring the pain that shoots through him through that one act. _So much for being friends. _Merlin had always known that one day Arthur would catch him saving his life. That one day, something would break through that oblivious skull of his. Merlin had guessed the betrayal he would see in Arthur's eyes. He knew that he'd be angry. Hell, he even thought he might be banished from the kingdom. _Never guessed this, though, but then again, I really should have known better. _Resting his head against the tree, he closed his eyes gently. The throbbing pain in his back started to fade to the recesses of his mind as the sounds around him began to dim to non-existent. Merlin could tell he was dying. He could feel his life's blood pooling around him as his treacherous heart continued to pulse and pour even more blood out from his wound. _This is it. This is where I die._ Merlin's fluttered open again, his eyes flooding gold as a new thought brought magic coursing through his veins. Rage. Pure, unadulterated rage. He had worked every day for nearly a decade for that good-for-nothing prat. Some days he starved, and every day he died little bit inside as his secret ate away at him. He threw away his entire life, his dignity and honor for the sake of one man. _And he left me to die! _Defiance filled his entire being with his magic swirling throughout his body. _**I will not die! **_With a sudden burst of immense power, throwing his head back as he roared in the dragon tongue, **"****Dracan, eom, ala, sece findan metan, teosu hus anbid!" **Along with the sudden deafening roar, a powerful surge of golden light burst out around him before collapsing into darkness.

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_Author's Note: I know, sorry this is really short. This is just a prologue, so isn't really suppose to be very lengthy. I promise the next chapter will be much longer. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin~!**

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Chapter 1

He could feel warmth surging through his body starting from his wound and spreading out. He could feel himself returning from the never-ending tunnel of darkness that Death had offered to him as he groaned. Eyes fluttering open, he rolled himself onto his back with a grunt of pain. _Heh, looks like I'm not dead. Figures. _Taking a shaky breath, he struggled to regain his composure and his thoughts. Shadowy memories lingered in the recesses of his mind, but for the life of him, he couldn't quite remember how he ended up here. The plateau, the mountain, it all looked startlingly familiar as if he'd been here once before. As the pain from the wound faded along with the gentle warmth that had been spreading through his entire body, a new surge of emotions boiled up from the back of his mind and invaded his ever thoughts. Fury. An endless well of rage, though he couldn't quite remember why he was so mad. Standing, he looked around and a small flicker of relief touches him when he sees the familiar golden form of the Great Dragon, Kilgarrah. "Kilgarrah, old friend, what happened to me?"

The dragon lifted his head, his gold eyes examining the raging Merlin cautiously. His words sounded friendly, but the dragon could hear the pained tone and angry timber that made his usually soft voice rough and older then time. "You were badly injured, young Warlock. I healed your wounds after you called for me."

A frown flickers on Merlin's face at the dragon's response. From the information offered him, the block on his memories that he had earlier disappears and the day's events flood back to him. His gaze snaps back to Kilgarrah's, Merlin's golden eyes blazing with fury. "Arthur left me for dead!"

Kilgarrah's eyes soften at Merlin's pain, "Young Warlock, I know you're angry, but-"

Merlin snarls, "Angry!" His voice takes on a rugged tone the years of abuse and torment taking its toll on Merlin's voice as it softens though it still filled with rage and pain, "Angry doesn't begin to describe how I feel. I spent the better part of my life saving that ungrateful prat all in the name of destiny, and he just leaves me to die!"

Kilgarrah settled on the ground, his eyes still soft with compassion and understanding, "You're not dead though, and your Destiny can still be completed."

Merlin's eyes widen with shock, then instantly harden with rage at Kilgarrah's implication, "Screw destiny, Kilgarrah! The Royal Prat doesn't deserve my help anymore."

"You cannot forsake destiny, young Warlock! Destiny cannot be escaped."

Merlin shakes his head, the mountain shaking along with the rage and building inside Merlin, "Everyone has a choice. And I choose to leave."

"You can still protect Arthur though."

A dark, humorless laugh escapes Merlin's lips, his eyes that usually spark with life and perpetual happiness are cold and distant, all trace of hope gone in him, "Arthur believes me dead, and I'll stay that way." Merlin turns to leave, stalking off into the dragon's den to rest as the healing magic takes its toll on Merlin's strength, "Let's see how long he lasts without my help."

Kilgarrah could only watch Merlin's retreating back with wariness and concern as he disappears into the den, leaving Kilgarrah to his thoughts.

/BREAK/BREAK/BREAK/

In Camelot...

Exhausted and bruised, Arthur drags his rain-soaked body through the gates of Camelot and up the steps of the castle. Guilt pulsed through him with each step he took as he remembered the betrayed look on his servant- No, his friend's face. At the time, Arthur had felt betrayed when he saw the flash of gold light up in Merlin's eyes as each of the bandits fell to the magic Merlin released. But now, Arthur couldn't help but feel guilty for leaving his one true friend to die. _He was a sorcerer; he would have died either way. _Despite Arthur's clearly rational thought, it still didn't wipe his friend's blood off his hands. Dragging his tired limbs down the halls, he made his way to his room where he knew his Queen and love waited for him. A flicker of a smile touched his face as he sighted his door, and entered the room to find his beloved Queen pacing inside. Gwen's gaze snapped to the door and filled with relief at the sight of Arthur, "Arthur."

Arthur barely had time to prepare as Gwen launched herself at him and hugged him tightly. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her deeper into the hug without a second thought, "Guinevere."

Gwen pulled away from Arthur, looking him over speculatively before frowning softly as she realizes Merlin didn't follow Arthur in, "Did you release Merlin from his duties already?"

Another rush of guilt coursed through Arthur and his eyes flood with pain, "N-no. Gwen…"

Noting Arthur's hesitation, Gwen frowned with worry, "Where's Merlin?"

Shuffling, Arthur unconsciously played with one of the leather straps on his gauntlet, avoiding Gwen's gaze. "We were attacked by bandits," hesitating again, Arthur looks up to catch Gwen's worried gaze.

The worry in Gwen's eyes nearly made Arthur break down into tears as the guilt nearly overwhelms the usually cool and confident King. After silence reigns for a minute, Gwen's patience fails as the worry for her best friend grew, "Arthur, what happened?"

"H-He's dead, Gwen."

Gwen's eyes widened as she slowly started to shake with denial, but the look of pure anguish on Arthur's face made Gwen quickly realize that this wasn't a poorly planned-out prank. Arthur reached out and pulled Gwen to him in a crushing embrace as Gwen instantly succumbed to tears and shuddering sobs that nearly brought the both of them to their knees. "H-He was a hero, Gwen." He took another shaky breath as the lie again slipped easily from his lips, "He died a hero."

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_Author's Note: Again, I apologize for the lateness of this chapter and the shortness, but I really just wanted to show how both Merlin and Arthur reacted to the whole mess. Next chapter will be how the kingdom, Merlin's friends, and Arthur are coping with Merlin's "death" in the weeks afterwards. It will definitely be much longer and be from more than one point of view. :3 I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and I'll try to get the next chapter up next week! Till then! ~Shirley_


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: So... Sorry for this taking so damn long, but I wanted to make it well written. And also because I was struggling with the lack of dialogue. This chapter really pushed me out of a comfort zone with all the deep thinking and subtle hints. I hope you guys like it, though I won't be surprised if you don't since I don't believe this is my best work._

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Chapter 2

A sense of despair cloaked the entire city of Camelot. The castle itself seemed to have lost its shine and now seemed drab and faded. Everyone could see the King and Queen's agonizing pain and everyone shared in it. For Merlin had affected everyone of the castle inhabitants one way or another. His perpetual cheerfulness and sunny attitude had brightened everyone's lives the day he stumbled into the castle all those years ago. Gwaine had understood Merlin's influence the moment he met the young man. Before meeting Merlin, Gwaine had never settled in one place long and spent the majority of his time in taverns. Not that he didn't still enjoy taverns it's just he had other responsibilities in life. Gwaine would have never stayed in Camelot if Merlin hadn't showed him that Camelot was a place worth staying, and that Arthur was a King worth serving. But now, Merlin's gone and Gwaine can't keep from wondering if he really has anything left to stay for. He sighs softly as he flicks his gaze out towards the horizon. Now-a-days, he deliberately stayed away from the taverns and instead would drink his mead in peace in Merlin's favorite place on the battlements. Raising his glass to his lips, he grumbles roughly, "Merlin, mate, I don't know what to do anymore."

He quickly chugs down the tankard of mead, and then sets it down beside him with heavy sigh. Out of all of the knights, Gwaine had been taking Merlin's loss the hardest. The man considered Merlin his first real friend, and to lose him suddenly was killing Gwaine inside. A little part of Gwaine kept hoping that he'd wake up one morning and find that everything else had been just a horrible nightmare and Merlin was perfectly fine. Or, wake up and find that Merlin had stumbled back into the city in the middle of night, bruised and battered, but perfectly alive. That small hope faded each morning when Gwaine would wake up and find that neither happened and Merlin was still very much dead and long gone. "I ask him every morning what I'm supposed to do. I don't get an answer either."

Gwaine jumps slightly, startled by the voice. He glances to his left, surprised when he sees a disheveled King sitting beside him. "I guess we're both just idiots then, eh?"

Arthur snorted softly, both knowing that Gwaine's attempt at a joke was half-hearted and poor. "Perhaps."

Gwaine examined the King for a moment, surprised to see that the young King looked much older than he is. In two weeks, the King had aged nearly a decade. He barely bothered with his appearance and his face with creased with haggard lines. Gwaine could guess that he didn't look much better. They were Merlin's closest friends after all, next to the Queen, and they missed Merlin the most. What surprised Gwaine was the heavy guilt he could see in the King's posture. Gwaine's brow furrowed with worry, guessing he knew exactly what was on the King's mind, "Merlin may not be here, but I know exactly what he would say if he could; the executions need to stop."

Arthur tensed instantly. He flicked a glance at Gwaine; his eyes narrowed dangerously, "They broke the law, Gwaine. I can't ignore it."

Gwaine shook his head, sighing, "The Druids are a peaceful people, Arthur. I understand what sparked your sudden desire to hunt them down, but even I know what you're doing is wrong."

Arthur's eyes flashed angrily, "You could be thrown in the stocks for such treasonous thoughts."

"But that won't relieve the guilt you feel."

Immediately, Arthur slumps and the defiant anger he had before flees in an instant, "I've been told magic is evil all my life, I have to believe it. The other option is too painful to consider."

Gwaine stands, looking down at Arthur with little sympathy, "It may be painful to change, but to continue as you have been will alienate everyone that has come to care about you. Think about it, Arthur."

Gwaine didn't wait for the King's response before turning and leaving the King to his thoughts.

/BREAK/BREAK/BREAK/

Gwen sat dully in front of the window. Her eyes wander around the courtyard aimlessly, clearly her thoughts elsewhere. Ever since Arthur had returned with the news of Merlin's death, Gwen had been inconsolable. She had always known that losing Arthur would break her, but it surprised her to realize that Merlin's death had a similar effect. He had been her first crush, and she had been his first friend. She considered him to be like a brother to her. The thought of never seeing Merlin again was killing the young Queen from within and she could sense the effect of Merlin's death on the rest of Camelot too.

Merlin's death had more affects on the city than Gwen could ever dream possible. He had been like the sun, bright and hopeful. His smile could light up a room and was more contagious than the common cold. The city without Merlin seemed dull in comparison to the Camelot in Gwen's memory. She even ventured to admit that the Camelot before Merlin's arrival was depressing. Merlin had changed Camelot for the better through his bashful personality and kind nature. But with his death the light of hope went out along with him. People that had known Merlin the best were lost in their grief, and those that had only known him in passing were feeling the ripple effect of having both Camelot's King and Queen in mourning.

It was with a heavy sigh that the Queen pulled herself away from people watching to glance over to her husband's desk. King Arthur was bent over a stack of papers, appearing to be heavily focused on whatever he was working on. But Gwen knew better. The crease on Arthur's forehead that only appeared while he was thinking about Merlin was apparent on her husband's face. It was regular occurrence these days for Gwen to see that thoughtful expression on his face. One part exasperation, and two parts fondness was what Gwen use to say teasingly. Her eyes slowly began to water at the memory a lump lodging in her throat as she stifled a sob. Gods, Gwen missed Merlin dreadfully. She couldn't go longer than a few minutes without wanting to break down into tears. Gwen could tell her husband missed Merlin too, though he tries to hide it. It was glaringly obvious from the persecution of Druids and sorcerers that Arthur had been leading since Merlin was killed. It had only been a few nights ago when Arthur had returned from his hunt without Merlin in tow. After Gwen had recovered enough for rational thought, she had asked her husband for the full story. He explained that they were outnumbered by bandits, but both had fought valiantly. It wasn't until a few days later, when Gwen noticed the increase in executions that Arthur had admitted a sorcerer was who ultimately killed their close friend.

Gwen's kind heart couldn't quite agree with Arthur's campaign against magic despite the fact it was the cause of Merlin's death. She hadn't the heart to argue with her beloved though while he was so emotionally wrecked. The Queen knew Arthur needed her support through this trying time even if she was grieving just as much as he was.

/BREAK/BREAK/BREAK/

Leon hovered outside the Physician's chambers reluctantly. His reluctance in part because he was a knight and felt a stubborn needed to hide injuries so as not to appear weak. But mostly, he didn't want to have to watch the Court Physician wander around like a ghost of his former self. Gaius had aged nearly a decade ever since learning of his ward's death, and it was hard for any of them to bear witness to such grief. Merlin's had been like the son Gaius had never had, and had brought hope to the ageing Physician.

In truth, Merlin had brought hope to most everyone he had come in contact with. He had turned a spoiled Prince into a just King worth serving and for that all the knights were thankful to the cheerful manservant. For the Knight's of the Round Table like Leon and Gwaine, Merlin had been like a younger brother to them. It had crushed the knights' spirits to learn of Merlin's death. In Leon's mind, it had been their job to protect the scrawny boy and in that aspect they had failed spectacularly. Leon knew that the guilt was eating at each and every one of his knights and even the King himself.

The guilt was the reason why Arthur had pushed for the increased inspections and for the increased executions. Arthur wasn't blaming himself on the inside, but on the outside he was taking his grief out on those with magic. It hadn't helped that Merlin's killer was a sorcerer, increasing the King's rage further. Most of the knights were agreeing with the King's thirst for revenge, taking relief in executions and the slaughtering of Druids. Leon, even through his own grief, could tell that the King was wrong. His grief was blinding Arthur to reason, and innocents were paying for it. Taking a breath, Leon steeled himself for a painful conversation with the Court Physician. For only Gaius was this kingdom's only hope in showing Arthur his mistake, and Leon couldn't watch his beloved kingdom deteriorated anymore than it has.

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_Author's Note: Done! Yay~! So next chapter is my big finale! The last chapter! The big shbang! -cough- Anyways, I hope you guys are excited for the next chapter and if any of you guys were confused in this chapter, I'm sorry. But it will all be explained in the next chapter and everything will end up making sense! ~Shirley_


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